In honour of Pi Day, I’d like to present you all with a short story I first penned back in 2009, in my ninth-grade math class. It’s gone through some edits since then, but every year on this day I’m tempted to share it.
Disclaimer: The following is rife with bad puns, and questionable algebra. Kindly refrain from judging the fruits of my then-adolescent brain. Happy Pi Day!
The Knight and Gal
Shakespeare’s quote is known the world over: “the course of true love never did run smooth.”
How then, did it run? Perpendicular, parallel, adjacent…?
Once upon a time in the faraway land of the Quadratic Plane, there lived the radiant Princess Scalene. Some say she was slightly misshapen, but that didn’t stop her from drawing the attention of all the integers and shapes in the land. Even the spheres, who like to keep their own close circles. Though Princess Scalene only had eyes for Sir Cumference—the most handsome, if not rebellious, knight in all the land.
If you’re wondering how she thought she might go about pursuing him, you needn’t worry. She had a few angles to work with.
It was on a particularly fine day when calamity plagued the ordinarily peaceful kingdom. Princess Scalene was visiting the market square when the ground beneath their feet began to shake. She heard her mother, Queen Isosceles, yelling for her in a mad panic.
Scalene ran to meet her mother. “What is going on, mother? Is everything alright?”
The alarms began blaring, alerting the kingdom of imminent danger. Isosceles grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the waiting royal carriage. “Quick, Scalene! The castle is under siege. The compasses are preparing for battle. We need to get back to the castle and make sure you’re protracted—er, protected.”
Scalene dutifully followed her mother, despite her worry for their subjects. As they boarded the carriage and the horses began their journey to the castle, she pressed for more details. “What is the emergency? The sirens haven’t been sounded like this since… Oh, no. Is it him?”
Her mother looked grave but nodded her confirmation. “The Algebraic Beast has returned.”
The Algebraic Beast was a significant threat to their realm. Scalene had been very young when he last came, and he destroyed an entire quadrant of their land before he went on his way.
Fierce, cunning, and strong, it took more than a great swordsman to fight him—it took problem-solving skills. Fortunately, since the last incident, the King thought it necessary to knight only those warriors who showed prolific mathematical skills, namely: Sir Algorithm, Sir Parabolic, and Sir Cumference, better known as the knights of the π r² table.
In order to defeat the Algebraic Beast, one of their knights would need to correctly answer the equation he posed to them. Each knight would be granted an attempt at answering, but if all three were incorrect, they’d be at the Beast’s mercy. A correct answer, however, would grant them safety.
Back in the castle, Scalene and Isosceles met with King Equilateral in the throne room. The knights were leaving the chambers, and Scalene shot a worried look at Sir Cumference, who did not meet her gaze.
The royal family went then as near as they dared to the main balcony, to hear the goings on outside.
“Knights of the Quadratic Plane,” the Beast bellowed, “I stand before you with a problem in dire need of solving. Dire, as in, should it not be solved correctly, you will meet your end.”
Sir Parabolic spoke first. “Be out with it, vile beast. What is the equation?” How apt that his name was not Sir Patience.
“Impudent fool. So eager to meet your end? Very well then. What is…” A hush fell over the kingdom as the Beast reached for his notebook. “4-{3+(-6)] x 6² +2?”
The knights began to calculate in their heads. Sir Algorithm logged the first guess: “112?”
A guttural laugh came from the Beast, satisfied with the first answer being incorrect. Sir Parabolic chimed in: “No, it’s certainly -112.”
“It’s certainly NOT.”
The ground shook even more violently with every incorrect answer. Sir Cumference was the kingdom’s last hope.
“The answer is -110.”
The Algebraic Beast’s eyes grew wide with fury. His mouth formed a distinctly negative slope. “That is correct.” With this, the shuddering subsided as he turned and left the realm untouched. Sir Cumference was labelled a hero.
The title of “hero” came with some rather special privileges. For example, nightly dining with the royal family, and of course, lots of pi. Around the hexagonal table were King Equilateral, Queen Isosceles, Princess Scalene, Sir Cumference, and Pierre Carré. (Though as legendary as Monsieur Carré is, his presence at the royal table was brought about only because he was Sir Cumference’s squire).
The princess had been trying excruciatingly hard to get Sir Cumference to take notice of her. After a while, she began to think perhaps he thought her unequal sides were simply too ugly to behold. Tearing up at the thought, she excused herself from the table and took to her bed chamber.
Shortly thereafter a soft knock came at the door. “Go away!” the princess sobbed.
“Princess Scalene, it is I, Sir Cumference. Do you truly wish for me to leave?”
He heard her sniff as she finally opened the door slowly. Sir Cumference beheld her with his eyes, as he had done slyly before to the power of at least 47. Not many could make those odd angles and uneven sides fit the way she did. Beholding her too long left him at a loss for words.
“What can I do for you, Sir? I trust my lord Father and lady Mother have seen to all your worldly desires.”
“I… I came to ensure that you were okay, Princess. You appeared to be upset at the dinner table.” He gazed into the vertices of her eyes as he continued. “Would you do me the honour of accompanying me for a walk?”
“It’s dark out, Sir Cumference. And undoubtedly chilly.”
“All the better,” he proclaimed with a voice so confident he surprised even himself. “You will wear my jacket, and we shall count the stars.”
The Princess’s defensive demeanour softened significantly at the gallantry. “But what of my parents? Surely they would discourage such hooliganisms.”
“If I may be so bold, Princess, I must insist that you live a little. From whatever angle you look at life, we only get one. Why not allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy it?”
She looked down, feeling a touch doubtful. “You don’t understand. I want to, I truly do! However, my relationship with my parents is quite complex. Sometimes it’s positive, sometimes it’s negative… hell, it’s often imaginary as well. However it is, I have no say in my personal endeavours. They would likely banish you if they found us gallivanting out and about.”
“That is a risk I am willing to take, my Lady.”
Her dazzling smile was the answer he was hoping for.
With that, our protagonists, parallel though they were in terms of status, climbed down the fire escape and into the night.
The princess awoke the next morning in a rather positive mood. She and Sir Cumference spent half the night walking around the garden of Zero—a monument of tranquillity designed by the peacekeeper, Mr. Zero, to remind everyone that they are all equal. After that, they walked up to Calculus Peak to count the stars before Sir Cumference walked Princess Scalene home and promised to return the following night.
Scalene went about her usual morning routine with a happy curve upon her lips. She was humming the rules of division in the form of a song. The morning was indeed passing quite well, until one of her lines-in-waiting knocked at the door to her bed chambers.
“My Lady, your mother and father await you downstairs.” “I will be right down.”
She was not expecting what awaited her on the bottom floor.
Her parents sat in the throne room, accompanied by Sir Algorithm. The knight beamed at her, and a feeling of dread suddenly spanned her entire area.
“There she is, my beautifully structured daughter!” King Equilateral began. “We have great news for you. This noble knight has come forth with wishes to take your hand in marriage!”
The princess blanched in utter disbelief.
Her mother didn’t notice, as she continued to tack on: “It will be wonderful, Scalene. The wedding will be held at the Triangular Prism Church in the realm’s second quadrant!” Queen Isosceles had her heart set on seeing her daughter married to a fine knight, and had nearly every detail of the event planned since Scalene could walk.
“Don’t I get a say in this?” Scalene inquired meekly.
“If I may, my Lady,” Sir Algorithm began, “I do realize we don’t know one another very well, but I assure you I want nothing more than to make you happy. I have admired you for many a year, and I couldn’t keep quiet about it a fraction of a second longer. You’ll continue to want for nothing, and I’ll be the best husband you could ask for.”
Her mother interjected before Scalene could comment— “Oh don’t be foolish, Scalene. Your father has already consented to the marriage—promised you to him, as it were. A shape of your lineage cannot back out of an accord. Why wouldn’t you want to marry such a fine knight?”
King Equilateral let out a bellowing laugh. “I don’t suppose you’d rather be paired up with that obtuse Sir Cumference?”
“Father, Sir Cumference is a hero! He saved—”
“Sir Algorithm is worth 3.14 of him. The engagement will remain intact, and you will reciprocate your betrothed’s pledge and be a dutiful wife. That is final.”
Princess Scalene turned and bolted from the castle, unwilling to hear any more of her father’s insults toward her beloved knight.
The whole of Quadratic Plane was astonished at the news of their princess going out on the lam. There was one, and only one who knew where she was. Of course, that was Sir Cumference.
Princess Scalene ran into hiding and made her way to Sir Cumference’s under the cover of night. He had opened the door in his bedclothes, shocked by her presence.
“Whatever are you doing here?” he asked, holding the door open to usher her inside.
She sat on his sofa and sobbed, prompting him to join her and wrap his arm around her comfortingly. “The most negative thing has happened.”
The knight’s eyes darkened. “I have heard. There is neither a form nor number in the kingdom that hasn’t. Even the spheres know—and you know how social they are.”
“How can they do this do me? They did not so much as ask me. That Sir Algorithm is a creep!” The princess was nearing hysterics at this point. Her lover handed her his handkerchief, folded to display its perfect symmetry.
After a few minutes of deep breaths and trying to calm down, she asked: “What are we to do?”
Sir Cumference’s eyes were fixed on the floor. “I am afraid you will have to go back to the castle, my love. They will surely think I’ve kidnapped you, should they find you here.”
Scalene sat bolt upright. “Oh no. They might have a protractor behead you!” “Much obliged, Princess Optimistic.” Sir Cumference muttered.
She rose to her feet and dropped the handkerchief on the coffee table. “Fine. I will go. Perhaps I should go ahead with the wedding. Nobody seems to be opposed, as it were.”
Her knight grabbed her wrist gently, as she turned toward the door. He stood and pulled her to face him again.
“Scalene, you know that is not what I wish. Sir Algorithm has had it out for me for the longest time. He knows how I feel about you…
Go back to the castle, my love. But rest assured that I will construct a plan of great measure. Besides, Sir Algorithm does not deserve you—you are too acute for him.”
As the sun’s first rays of light began to stream through Sir Cumference’s windows, the princess acquiesced. “Alright, I will go. But will you come for me tonight, Cumference?”
“I will do my best. I do have something for you before you take your leave.”
He returned a moment later with a paper chain tiara of symmetrical hearts, and he placed it upon her head at the best angle he could. “Remember, love, you’re not just a princess. You’re my princess: the princess of my heart.”
She hugged him tight to her as tears began to prick the vertices of her eyes once more. As they parted, he swore he felt a whisper of her lips against his cheek.
She turned and left, composing herself for what awaited her back at the castle.
Our heroine was in an obtuse amount of trouble when she returned. She was barred from leaving the castle, and her mother was at her side constantly. She put up with it begrudgingly, holding onto hope that her knight might come see her that night.
The worst part of the ordeal of course was that the king and queen wouldn’t call off the engagement. They were going to make her marry Sir Algorithm.
No, the princess thought, Sir Cumference will get me out of this.
She was counting down the minutes to midnight, eagerly awaiting his arrival. Would they go to Calculus Peak? Perhaps they would sneak into the Cylinder to see what band was playing tonight?
She never found out, as he did not come that night. Nor the next.
The third night plagued Scalene. She felt it had been an infinite amount of time since she’d seen him last when he finally came. When she heard the tell-tale sound of small pebbles hitting her window, she was out of bed and down the fire escape before you could say “linear”.
“Sir Cumference, you have come!”
He embraced the princess gently. “Of course, dearest. However, I must apologize for my delay in coming to you.”
She stepped back a fraction and took in his face in the moonlight. “What happened to your eye?” “It’s nothing, love. Shall we be off?”
“That is not nothing. Did my father have something to do with this?”
His hesitance in replying was almost answer enough before he continued: “Not directly. He sent some of his men to… question me about the time we spent together. The black eye was intended as a warning to not see you again.”
She reached her hand up to touch his eye gingerly. “I am so sorry. If it wasn’t for me…”
“Nonsense! I will not hear you blame yourself. It is not your fault that I fell in love with you. I loved you before even officially meeting you, Princess. It is not at all your fault.”
“You… you love me?” She gazed at him, feeling love and adoration pulse through her entire being. He nodded confidently, and her edges visibly softened. “I love you too, Cumference. Exponentially!”
Hand in hand they walked through the back alleys of the city, unwilling to let the night watch lay eyes on them. They plotted various ways to get the princess out of her arranged marriage, feeling optimistic for the first time in a few days that the finally had a whole plan to carry out.
They were turning back to get the princess to the castle before her absence would be noted, when an all-too-familiar shaking came about in the ground they stood on.
Lights turned on in the houses around them, and suddenly villagers were being roused from their beds and running for the safety of the city center.
The Beast’s booming voice could be heard throughout the kingdom: “I have come to challenge the oh- so-noble knight, who thought he could best me. I have come with a more formidable challenge, for my not so formidable foe!”
“Sir Cumference, he’s come for you! Oh no! We must hide!” Scalene grabbed her knight’s hand, but he didn’t budge. He had a dutiful air about him.
“Princess, are you truly willing to let your kingdom fall for my well-being? I am truly touched; however I swore an oath when I was knighted that I would defend the Quadratic Plane with my life. I also made a similar promise to myself about defending you, if you would let me. I will face this evil, and when I return, I wish for you to become my wife, Scalene. I will do whatever it takes to earn your father’s favour. This I promise you.”
He kissed her cheek quickly and ran to the middle of the road, not 20 yards from where the Beast now towered. Scalene followed the townsfolk to the city center, keeping the main street and her beloved in clear view.
“I am here, Algebraic Beast. Why have you returned so soon? Did you not promise to leave our land be?”
“Foolish knave, are you always so keen to believe the promises of your enemies? I’ve come with an equation that will surely stump you just as easily as it stumped the last three kingdoms I visited.”
Sir Cumference stole a brief look back to make sure his princess was out of harm’s way. “Very well then. What is it?”
If you can imagine a tangled mess of axes, curves, and shapes both 3D and 2D in the form of a giant monster, and then imagine that creature smiling, you’ll know it’s a rather foreboding sight.
The Beast stepped closer to Sir Cumference, and posed his equation: “What is 2 x²+0x+2?”
Sir Cumference could hear the hustling and bustling as a crowd grew behind him—among the noise, he heard the Queen’s panicked cries as she sought out her daughter.
Sir Algorithm’s voice stood out to the knight as well, despite his hurrying thoughts. “Don’t worry, my Lady. The Princess is with Sir Cumference, where she should be.”
“I will not be so foolish as to allow you three chances to solve my puzzle, by the by. You have but one chance. Should you be wrong, I will begin the land’s decimation with your dear princess that you seem so distracted by. I assure you; my stomach has volume enough to devour everyone and everything here after that. Are you prepared to answer?”
Sir Cumference took a step toward the beast himself, as the crowd drew in sharp breaths behind him. “I am. However, I first must ask this of you: how can you be so bold as to come back to our peaceful kingdom, a place of such positivity and fortitude, where we know that despite our misshapen bodies and the histories of generations long feuds between whole and natural numbers over to which group zero belongs, that we are equals? How can you stomp into a kingdom called the Quadratic Plane, and expect I should be stumped by your equation? There is no solution.”
A collective gasp was heard. The compasses and protractors stood battle-ready, as those unable to fight were hurried back toward the castle.
The Algebraic Beast’s face seemed frozen, as he ran through a variety of questions and calculations in his head. After an uncomfortably long pause, he sighed.
“I stand bested. I felt assured that the third time would be the charm, and that this kingdom would fall to me. However, it seems my own ego is my hubris. I will accept your wrath, for I am no longer all- knowing in the ways of Algebra. I always thought that since nobody ever uses it in the real world, I should dedicate my life to using it to instill fear in the eyes of those who snubbed their homework. But you are a true mathematician, young knight. I surrender to you, and I will not return.”
If anyone doubted the beast’s word after him reneging on his previous guarantee, the worry was short- lived. Before their very eyes, the Algebraic Beast’s form began to change. It moulded and twisted, shrinking smaller and smaller until a rectangle fell to the ground. Sir Cumference approached and picked up the Beast’s remains—a calculator.
“You’ve done it, Cumference! He’s gone for good!” Princess Scalene jumped into the arms of her lover, none to shy about their audience.
Sir Algorithm approached the couple with a guilty look upon his face, and a pinch to his brow. “Princess, I feel I owe the two of you an apology. For some time now I have thought ill of Sir Cumference and thought it good sport to best him at all he did. When I learned of his feelings for you, I thought I should take you as my wife and show him that I was truly superior. I failed to consider your feelings as a factor in my plot.
Today, when the Algebraic Beast approached, I felt nothing but fear. When the equation was posed, I couldn’t for a moment even begin to calculate an answer. In short, it seems Sir Cumference is truly the better mathematician. Princess Scalene, I would like to rescind my proposal, and relinquish you from our
engagement. I hope you have found your knight in shining armour in Cumference, for he has found his Cinderella in you.”
“Thank you, Sir Algorithm. You are a good man, and I accept your apology.” Scalene beamed as Sir Algorithm bowed to her, and Cumference extended his hand to shake Algorithm’s.
The princess squeezed her lover’s hand as she saw the king and queen approaching. “One more obstacle,” she muttered.
“My precious girl!” Queen Isosceles cried. “I cannot tell you how many tears I wept thinking you had gone missing, for I lost count in the ten thousands.” She pulled Scalene into a tight embrace, reluctant to let go.
“I’m fine, mother. Sir Cumference protected me… as he has for some time.”
“I suppose some sort of award is in order,” King Equilateral began, “Is there anything you desire, young knight, for once again saving our kingdom despite our mistreatment of you? I must admit that I, myself, thought your first victory to be an outlier—one borne of luck alone, remaining a ways away from the natural order of things. What is it that you desire?”
Sir Cumference appeared almost nervous before he spoke: “If it’s not too much trouble, I would like your daughter’s hand.”
“I thought as much. I acquiesce. You have proved your worth, and I know my daughter cares a great deal for you. You will be married in a fortnight.”
“Thank you, your Majesty. I promise to love and protect her forever, and not a fraction of a second less.” He did just that, and they lived happily ever after.
FIN